Size Scrutiny

I know you're shocked.  I am posting a blog for the first time in ages.  Maybe I'll get better about posting.... probably not, but this is one that I've been throwing around in my head writing for a while.  So here goes.

There are many things that no one can prepare you for when you get pregnant.  I could fill a blog with the things people don't tell you (I won't, because I'm too ADD to focus on blogging seriously... but I could).  One of the things that shocked me more than anything, even though some had told me this would happen, is people judging the size you are during your pregnancy.

Many of my friends had told me that during their pregnancy, when people would ask how far along they were that when they responded it was usually with, "Are you sure?  You're so big!"  or then would ask if they were carrying twins because they looked very large to be that far along.  I, on the other hand, have had the opposite experience.  I have had more people ask me, "Are you sure? You're awfully tiny!" or say, "There's no way you're that far along, you're so small!" I've even had people look at me so confident and say, "Oh, it's a boy isn't it? You're all belly and so small, so you have to be."  Really?!

I'm sorry- what part of any of these comments are conversationally appropriate??  As if we HAVEN'T been paying attention to what our doctors have told us (especially us that are pregnant with our first!) or that we've just been going about it blindly with no prenatal care whatsoever.  And what size is this "right" size, exactly?  No one ever hears "oh yeah- that looks about right!" (unless it's from YOUR DOCTOR who knows how big you were before and has been tracking your progress).  As if there is a magic size all women should be at this certain number of weeks of pregnancy.   Every beautiful woman is going to go through this very unique experience her own unique way.  Some women gain weight all over, and some women end up being all belly.  And if there is a problem with her lack of or excess weight gain- I'm sure that HER DOCTOR (not you) would inform her and let her know how she can get back to where she needs to be.  She does not need 20 people a day telling her what size she should be.  I guarantee you she has enough to worry about!

This may come a huge shock to a lot of you- but the one thing I am the most insecure about is my size.  Yes- gasp and inhale your teeth that the scrawny girl has issues with her size.  I admit it, it's out there!  Even before I got pregnant when people would comment on my petite nature, it freaked me out.  I know most people think it's nice to tell a girl how skinny she looks, etc.- but not me.  I grew up around the most beautiful, voluptuous women, and the fact that I'm flatter than a 2x4 bothers me more than anything else in the world, especially since I've married into a family of such beautiful women who are not the same size as me either.  And since I got pregnant, these comments worry me even more because I'm constantly worried about gaining enough weight for my child, no matter what my doctors say.

So if you're one of these people, please heed my advice and my pleas.  Just tell us we look cute. Or that we look great.  Or just keep your mouth shut.  Tell us anything except your opinion on our size, because honestly, we've got more important things to worry about.  You know, like praying you buy things we actually registered for.  But that's another post for another day. :)

me at 25 weeks

Sinking

Sometimes I think that God uses my ADD brain to teach me more than I give Him credit for.

While sitting in church on Sunday listening to Dr. Green speak, and to be quite honest, keep myself from being distracted by the fact that he no longer looks like a smurf onscreen (I should explain: since our sanctuary is under construction, they moved "big church" to our recreational center/gym- and since there's no professional lighting in there to balance the color- when played on the big screen in our contemporary service, he's had a little bit of a blue tint.  I'm not even sure he was aware of it.  A couple weeks ago he actually made a reference to the smurfs in a sermon.... it was a miracle I was able to stifle my laughter... but I digress).  Now since Dr. Green is played on projector, sometimes my attention does tend to wonder.  This is why it's good for me to take notes in church, not only to learn, but to keep me focused (although sometimes it doesn't help a whole lot, and I end up with doodles in my notes... a habit I inherited from my mother I suspect as she does the same thing).

Somewhere between Mark 1:14 and my inability to keep a steady focus on Dr. Green's sermon rather than his pigmentation (lots of stuff about fishing, fisherman, fishing headquarters and a bass assassin- I'm sure it made a lot more sense to those who aren't ADD such as myself), he wound up telling the story of Jesus walking on the water and Peter jumping out of the boat to him, and walking on water as well.  And on a stray thought- my hand began to write what God wanted me to get out of the sermon today.

I've always enjoyed this story- and the Holy Spirit really used to my benefit that day.  When Peter realized it was Jesus, he called out to Him saying "Lord- if it's You, command me to come to You."  Jesus did, and Peter hopped out and started towards Jesus.  Now this is one of my favorite things about Peter- his loyalty and his enthusiam.  The second he knew that it was his Savior out there on the water, he was rearin' to go to Him: no holding back, no "Jesus if it's You- tell me if it's safe enough and I'll come to You" or "Jesus if it's really You, hang tight and the boat will be there in just a second," none of that.  Just on fire love, loyalty, and faithfulness to his Jesus that he had to be near Him.  Isn't this how it is for all of us when we first experience the saving grace of God?  So full of dedication and fire that we will blaze boldly wherever the Holy Spirit leads, even through the crashing waves of negativity or hardships of this life, we go forth with passion- keeping our focus on Christ. Nothing can stop us from that desire to be near to God.

Now it doesn't say in the Bible how far Peter got, but it says when he saw the wind he was afraid and began to sink.  Anytime I envision this story- I see the wind blowing water in front of Peter's face (because let's face it, who likes to be splashed in the face with water unexpectedly and you really can't see wind, but rather see its effects on other things), and it caught Peter off-guard, and he started to see all the craziness around him.  Crashing waves, the fact that he was walking on top of the water which was "impossible" and Peter took his eyes off of Christ, and that's when he began to freak out and sink.  This is when the Holy Spirit led me to this stirring question:

How often are you like Peter?  Your loyalty and faith seems so real until something catches you off guard that you're blown off course.  This forced me to think about a lot of things that I really didn't care to think about- and think "You know what Lord- I didn't want to hear that, but I really needed it, because I haven't been as faithful to You as I should have been recently- especially with what lies ahead." Because I drown a lot.  I drown in the stress of planning a wedding, in the uncertainty of the future, in people's lack of faith in me, in the large shoes I have to fill as a soon to be pastor's wife, as well as a myriad of other things (I could probably write a blog just on what I worry about- but I won't bore you with that).  And there are times when I let it consume me, because I'm human and I worry- and it's worse because I'm a woman.  But there's no righteous justification for it because that's not what God wants for me! He wants to see me say, "Lord- only You can help me through this, and I'm giving it to You to guide me."  (You know that song "All the Way My Savior Leads Me?"  Yeah- it's true, He actually does it if you let Him!!)

So many times, we start to look around and think of how overwhelming our current situations are or how stressed we are and there's no possible way to manage it, but the reality of the matter is that none of that is a word of Truth.  The Bible says so many times we aren't to worry about the things of this world!  When we allow the troubles and cares of this world to drown us, we allow ourselves to sink down so far into our worry and our little pity parties that we forget that Christ gives us the freedom from trying to solve the problems we have on our own, which then inhibits our ability to serve Him.  Are there still going to be hard times?  Sure- but those are the times when God wants us to draw nearer to Him.

My prayer for you is that if you are sinking in the troubles of this world to give it to God and allow Him to take on your burdens.  You can do so much for Christ if you will clear your mind and say- "God, I'm all Yours!!  Let my passion for You burn in me more than a ghost chili pepper!"  Just remember that the answers are not found by drowning in your current surroundings!  The answer is found by keeping your eyes on Christ.

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you."     -Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

"but sooner or later, Nana, people have to grow up..."

Peter Pan was one of my favorite Disney movies for a really long time.  I'm not sure if it was the story and the music, or if it was the thought of going to a place where I'd never have to grow up that I enjoyed more- but nonetheless it is still a movie I have no problem watching again and again.

One of the reasons I decided to go to a community college came to me when I was sitting in my mom's classroom working on layout during an independent study class.  I was working away and thinking about where I wanted to go to college, and all that when along with it.  I suddenly stopped, looked up at my mother- and said "You know mom, I don't think I'm ready to buy my own toilet paper."  And as strange as it was- that revelation told me more about myself and the fact that I wasn't quite ready to grow up that much yet.  So, I lived at home another 2 years, before venturing further than I ever thought I would into a world I'd never known.

Almost 4 years later- I'm now 22, engaged, and getting ready to move out of my very first apartment that I lived in on my own- to move in with my future-in-laws between now and when Andy and I get married.  For the longest time, and especially right when I got my apartment, I was so excited to have a place of my own that I didn't have to share with anyone.  There have been a lot of momentous things that has happened at that apartment, other than being my first place of "freedom."  It was where I survived the hardest semester of my college career- working 2 jobs, an internship, and taking 19 credit hours.  It's where I learned that people aren't always what they seem no matter what they try to tell you.  And it's where I truly learned how to trust God and give it all to Him.

Over the last 12 months, I've seen my apartment transform into an escape from the insanity to a place that no longer feels like home.  The place I used to yearn to get back to, so I could run from everything I wasn't, is now the place where I don't feel like I'm home at all.  And I guess that shows the changes in me too.  I'm not the same girl I was a year ago, and thankfully, I don't think I ever will be.  Because sooner or later- people do have to grow up.

Ode to the Twin

You may not know this about me, but I have a twin.

Not a biological one, mind you- but a God-picked, awesome, amazing soul sister that He knew I needed more than any boy or any job that I could ever possibly think I would need.  This dear friend of mine came in a moment where I never expected, and influenced my life greater than I ever thought any person could.

Hannah and I met in college, the very first day of my very first college class, in the very first taste of what my future held: lots of signing.  As the semester progressed, we became fast friends- and soon we became labeled "the ASL twins" because everything from our personalities to our signing styles were almost exactly the same.  The similarities get downright scary sometimes, but the intensity of our friendship and our love for Christ is what has strengthened our relationship far past that of any other friendship or relationship I had shared with a person.  We know everything about each other, and even though we currently live 1000 miles away from each other, our friendship continues to flourish and grow as we mature into the women God has called us to be.  However, God blessed us this past weekend, because Momma Martha (aka Hannah's mom) decided to fly me out to visit Hannah in a much needed visit. 

The last time Hannah visited me was shortly after a huge monumental time in my life: I just broken up with the guy I had been dating for 2 years, but I was also at a turning point in my walk with Christ.  Now, my visit comes after another huge moment in my life: getting engaged to the man that God has handpicked to share the rest of my life with. A man that has been approved by all four of my wonderful parents, and also by twin.  And while in two days, I'll head back to the land of sunshine and sand- for tonight and the next couple days we will delight in the fact that for a very brief time we will laugh, chat, shop, share, and enjoy the limited time we have until she visits this summer for my wedding.

So I will leave you with just a few reasons why I call my dear soul sister my twin:

We both love kites.  We love watching Big Bang Theory.  We love the same diverse styles of music.  We both became fascinated by the color combination of purple, black, and gray at the same time.  We both had a Dalmatian about the same age in life.  Both of our men are pastors, who were once history majors.  We are both sign language interpreters.  We are the same shoe size.  At one point, we both had one niece and two nephews (not anymore because her brother had a baby- but still that's cool enough to qualify as twinness). We bought the same Easter dress this year, in the exact same color.  We both got the movie 101 Dalmatians for Easter 2008.  We use the same soap and face wash.  And we always know just what to say to each other when the other is down.   

Sunday

Sundays are probably my favorite day of the week anymore.  It seems like no matter what, if I have to work at the Disney Store or if I get to relax and just go to church and hang out with my "Florida family" as I have lovingly dubbed my people down here- it just always seems to be a good day.

This past Sunday in particular, was an extremely good day.

I woke up running on about 3 hours of sleep.  Andy and I had made an impromptu trip to Disney the day before after I got off work- meaning we didn't leave Magic Kingdom until about 20 minutes after midnight.  I figured that getting that little of sleep would put me in a doozy of a mood for a Sunday, but I guess that the Disney magic was still pumping through my veins because I woke up quite easily and got ready- and I'm usually not one to comment on my appearance but I thought to myself as I got ready, "Man- I'm looking good for being so sleep deprived! Thanks God!"  I'll admit I was a little worried- I was interpreting music in the 9am service and I even though I am a QA 2 now (woot!), I still get butterflies.  I prayed so much that morning that God would just allow me to let it flow and not think about it as interpreting worship, but actually worshipping Him through interpreting (plus I take a little bit of artistic liberty in preparing music when I interpret- which makes it a little less like interpreting, therefore making me a little less nervous).

I drove to church and arrived a little after 8am so I could practice the music with the 9am worship crew.  It went surprisingly well.  I was feeling good.  Talked with Joyce and Ryan when they came in, chatted with Jeremy and Katie Silverman for a bit- thanked them both for inspiring Andy and I to make a random trip to Disney, and played with Ian (Katie & Jeremy's adorable son) for a little bit before he had to go to child care.  Made it through 9am music smoothly, even the crazy hard "I Am" special music, then headed over to worship practice for the 20/30 service.

Here's where it got better.

As the sermon ended and the 20/30 worship team got up to do the invitational and the offertory, I noticed a lot of people standing in the back.  Now, the lack of sleep did manage to affect my reasoning skills because I was completely clueless as to why so many people were in the back- but I thought nothing of it.  Andy leaned over during the prayer and said "Why are all these people here?" I looked at him and shrugged, noticing he had on a wireless microphone- thinking silently to myself... why in the world is he wearing a wireless mic?"

As we closed in scripture, Jeremy Nottingham (who was subbing for Ron, since he and Christa were on a cruise) said that Andy had one last annoucement.

And that's when this happened.

Now- as you can probably tell, I couldn't have been more shocked when this happened.  I'm not a typical girl, and have never been able to imagine just how my future husband would propose to me- but from the way Andy went about doing the whole thing, he showed me just how much God had blessed me.  I saw my parents on-screen and realized that they loved me so much they would do whatever it took to be a part of such a special day in my life from a thousand miles away.  I saw my boyfriend/fiance smiling at me, because he knew how much my parents mean to me and wanted them to be involved, and I realized that all the people in the dining hall that morning (or a good majority at least) were there because God had blessed me with a church family that truly loved and cared for me.  Sure, most of these things I've had all along, but I was so glad to have someone else enjoy pointing out those things, and delighting in them as well.  And while Andy may have planned it that way or not, that is one of the reasons I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life being his wife.  That even when he may not even realize he's doing it, that he is showing me the love of Christ, and how deep my Heavenly Father loves me.

<3

Laundry day and phone dates of encouragement

A lot of interesting things have happened over the last seven days.  A lot of things I had hoped to blog about, which I still might, even though it will be out of chronological order (and I tend to be OCD, so that could be hard for me), but today's blog focuses on yesterday.  God did a lot of great things yesterday, but one thing I want to focus on in particular, happened while going to do my laundry.

I was taking my laundry over to Andy's house to do while he was at work, because since I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment, Andy figured that I should have some place comfortable to do my laundry rather than the crappy laundry facility in my apartment, and I only have to pay for gas to get over to his place, rather than like three dollars and some change to wash and dry one load.  So after I had finished my quiet time and was on my way, I got a very unusual text from twin.  Now if you don't know who twin is, she's not my biological twin.  Hannah Vaughn and I met in our first year of college, and spent quite a bit of time together.  We managed to connect incredibly fast, and most people thought we knew each other from high school, but we didn't- and considering our signing styles, our thinking styles, and our sense of humor were pretty much identical- we were dubbed the "ASL Twins," and it just kinda stuck.  Our teachers even confused us... it's really funny.  But yes, twin texted me at an unusually early hour for twin, since she has been working an internship in Washington DC.  She needed a phone date, and I knew at that moment she was not having a good day.  I told her to call whenever she could call- and so around 3pm in the middle of me doing laundry, I got a call from twin.

Twin had not had the best week.  In fact, twin was having a very crappy week- in which she was told she's not good at what she does.  Now the twinness power in me partly wanted to fly to DC and kick those people in the shins, but I knew that wouldn't do any good.  At the point where twin was telling me how she felt inadequate and she wasn't good enough, and how lonely she had been feeling all week- my hands were immediately searching for Scripture.  I got on my computer (because it was close and I'm terrible at remembering where verses are), and started looking up all the Scripture I could find about Godly thoughts and encouragement- something twin has always done for me when I needed her.  We talked about these verses, about God's plan for both our lives, and while I was talking to Hannah, in my heart I was praying like crazy that God would give me the right words to minister to her heart as I was in her position not very long ago.  By the end of the hour and a half phone conversation (which let me just tell ya, I'm not a phone talker), we were laughing and joking and were amazed at the work God was doing in both of our lives, as well as the healing power He gives us through people we might have never met if we weren't paying attention to the call He had placed in our lives.  I didn't realize that I needed the phone call from Hannah just as much as she needed it, but by the time I hung up the phone, I was thanking God that through our phone conversation, He had not only encouraged Hannah, but it had also encouraged me too.


And I guess I tell you all this to tell you a couple things.  That even in situations where you don't feel like you can encourage, God can use you to encourage other people.  Whether it's through you sharing Scripture with a friend, or just listening to them when they are having a rough situation in life they are going through and you just pray with them through that struggle- God can use you to do His work if you'll just allow Him to use you.  And if you're struggling with something, or you're feeling discouraged- remember that God uses times of distress to test us.  Spiritual attacks are of the enemy and Satan will start infiltrating wherever he can and most often it's your thoughts.  Which is why I always try to remember this passage:

"whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."   -Phillipians 4:8

Valentine's Day

I’m sorry I’ve been slacking on my blogging.  After being prodded by two of my closest friends to post more though, I’ve decided I’m going to try to be a little more faithful in my blog postings.  :) And this is going to be a long blog, so you better go to the bathroom now or get something to drink before you become too involved.

Yesterday, as you probably know, was Valentine’s Day.  And for the longest time, yesterday was probably the one day a year where I wanted to vomit more than any other day.  All the bears, and the heart-shaped candy boxes, the roses (Ugh, the roses!!!!), and all things Valentiney were an eyesore to me.  I believed it to be a holiday that was fabricated by card companies, chocolate manufacturers, diamond dealers, and florists to make a quick buck off of poor schmucks that date girls with overly dramatic ideas of love and what it means to be in love, and what it means to be loved.  Which was something I had no part in, nor did I want to be.

You see, my experiences with “love” had not been all that great in my life.  Now I’m not talking about the general idea- my family loved me very much growing up as they still do, but there was a part of my heart that went untouched for a very long time.  Most of my dating relationships were not very good ones.  That’s really an understatement, they weren’t good at all.  Growing up in a home where you receive so much love, you tend to love other people the same way, wholeheartedly and without reservation.  And while I loved in the only way I’ve ever known how, I have been dumped for girls who were prettier/smarter/cuter/easier/etc. than me. I’ve been taken advantage of in just about every way imaginable. I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused.  I’ve been neglected.  I’ve even been hit once, and had another person raise a hand to me like they were going to.  All of these things have been done by men, well- boys rather, who have said they loved me. I don’t want your pity, this happens to girls all over the place everyday in this world, but I want to give you a little background on why this holiday of “celebrating love” is not one of my favorites.  The more these things happened, the more I guarded my wounded heart and put up walls, trying to revive the broken pieces in my own ways, which weren’t way I should have been trying to fix them.

However, this year was different.

I was being pursued.  I was allowing myself to be pursued, rather.  After guarding my heart for so long, I had finally allowed myself to become vulnerable to the passionate and loving God of the universe.  I had allowed myself to see the beauty He sees in me as His child, and found beauty and love through Him.  I was no longer running away from the One who has been pursuing me my whole life, and I felt love the more I gave into letting Him love me.  Now that’s not to say that I’m a total sap now, but the holiday actually seemed tolerable to me this year, because in my efforts to love God as much as possible and to seek Him daily, God blessed me with something I never expected.

God placed a significant blessing in my life by the name of Andy Peavyhouse.  Andy has been a good friend to me for the last several months, within the last few, has become one of my best friends, and as of a few weeks ago- my boyfriend.  Well, Andy decided that he was going to change my mind about Valentine’s Day, and over the last few weeks, Andy has shown me a side of love I’ve never really known- romance.  Understand that this is not the Americanized, ridiculously lovey-dovey hokum that this world often associates it with, but rather the act of romancing- paying meticulous detail to everything in order to learn everything about me that makes me happy, sad, ticked off, or excited so that he can know me and love me to the best of his ability. 

Which leads me up to yesterday.  While sitting at dinner with Andy before we went to see Wicked at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center, I looked at him and asked, “Why are you so good to me?  You didn’t have to do any of this.  Why me?”  To which he replied, “You seem to be implying you aren’t worth all of this, which you are.  And even though you think I do so much for you, it’s still not enough to show you how much I truly care about you.  What’s even more amazing though is that God loves you so much more than I could ever think about loving you.”  And at that point, I realized that my perspective of Valentine’s Day had changed.  No longer did I see it as an over-commercialized claptrap of a holiday preying the hearts of hopeless romantics, but rather I began to see it as a day to celebrate how deep God truly loves us, and how we should celebrate that love by not only loving Him, but also celebrate it by loving those around us.  That’s why we are here, to love others as Christ loved! So, my prayer for you is that you remember that we are given the ability to love because God first loved us, and we should always strive to love others in the same way. I pray that you would be romanced by God and that you would strive to seek Him above all things! 

Good night and God bless!!

1 Corinthians 13:13